A Moment of Honesty

I am excited to share this about my life and what I have written and I’d love to hear your comments. Many may read this and feel it is depressing, and others will see something greater. Some may see or feel how this relates to them, but I say now that it relates to many!

…………….

I have come to the realisation that we as humans are living life back to front. Much emphasis is put on achieving physical goals and sometimes spiritual growth, but none is being placed on Soul based development. I thought I was pursuing this until now! I see us all as neglecting to seek Soul based knowledge – and if our real self is our Soul, would it not make sense to want to learn more about who we really are (a Soul) rather than focusing on what is happening on TV or about buying that special car or diamond ring? Well I am interested, and so I write this for me.

I realise that personal Soul growth is most important and should be my no. 1 focus. If I imagine for a moment in a simplified manner that I, yes ME, as being the cause of what happens to or around me – then if I am angry (or any other emotion), then I am the one that has to look at that emotion. But instead of feeling through this anger I choose to either; punish myself or project it out onto others. I generally do this through blame, as blaming someone or something else other than myself is so much simpler, right? I blame others for how I feel. I make justifications for why I do these things, I also minimalize and deny it so that I can feel better about myself, totally removing all responsibility.

Oh how easy it is to blame others for how I feel and for what is happening to me or not happening. I feel much power from removing all responsibility for my actions from myself. This IS the fictitious world I have created around me, my façade! I live through this façade, oh how powerful and special I am. I can be anyone this way. No one has to know the real me. I can surround myself with people and things that keep the illusion going – a wonderful husband and a lovely life! I can even appear to be more loving, compassionate and caring, heck, I can be queen of my illusionary castle.

At the end of the day though (whenever that day is), I will need to face reality….and why do I have to? Because at that time the pain of my denial will be so great that I will call out louder than I ever have before. I will call and call and call! I will ask for someone, anyone, to come and rid me of the pain, a pain which I have created through my ignorance and arrogance. “Oh please won’t someone save me from my torment!” I call out to God. But the response is silence, but why, as I know God exists, which is more than most people. Again I cry out. Still nothing. Then I realise, even now I have not learnt my lesson. I am still waiting for someone to save me. I am still fooling myself as I have not changed. I still get angry, I still have emotions of grandeur, act out of addictions of purposeful ignorance, arrogance and wilful denial. So the pain continues, festers and grows.

It would have been so much more loving and easy way back when I was younger, but I was not aware of what I know now, that everything that happens to me is to trigger me and show me that I am denying God’s truth and because of that I create pain and darkness. It is time to take responsibility and not blame others for how I feel and what has happened to me. One day when I choose to open up my heart and feel the truth of the situation, I will find that the answer was always there, always trying to assist me – designed to assist me.

In time I will become weary of the pain and know that no one is coming to save me. I will in my last desperate attempt to call for help, I call for God again, and I wonder what will be different about how I call this time?

My reflection on my life will show me familiar things, but not in a way I have ever seen them and in a way that I had never conceived of seeing or knowing. I will now choose to be humble and feel the pain of what I have done through all of my erroneous beliefs. And right there and then I will realise that I have up until now, never opened my heart. I am asking from my Soul. Truth will flood in and for the first time I will know beyond doubt that God is real. I will feel the truth of how I have caused others pain, and the animals, the planet and myself. I will see that everything is about me, but not in a narcissistic way, but rather that my growth in light or darkness is up to me and that there is truth out there that I have been reluctant to notice until now. My openness and desire creates a connection with God through my sincerity to want to know His Divine Truth, and I will be certain that this is the only thing that will set me free. For this is the only gateway to Her Divine Love and the Divine Kingdom.

So – It begins and ends with me! What does this mean? It means that no one is coming to save me! No-one! I need to make the choice to be willing to save myself and not through the Willpower of the mind, but through the emotional Will of my Soul. And in this moment I realise that I have been the most honest I have ever been in my life thus far. So this story is not one of despair, but one of humility, a genuine sincerity to be real.