A Moment of Honesty

I am excited to share this about my life and what I have written and I’d love to hear your comments. Many may read this and feel it is depressing, and others will see something greater. Some may see or feel how this relates to them, but I say now that it relates to many!

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I have come to the realisation that we as humans are living life back to front. Much emphasis is put on achieving physical goals and sometimes spiritual growth, but none is being placed on Soul based development. I thought I was pursuing this until now! I see us all as neglecting to seek Soul based knowledge – and if our real self is our Soul, would it not make sense to want to learn more about who we really are (a Soul) rather than focusing on what is happening on TV or about buying that special car or diamond ring? Well I am interested, and so I write this for me.

I realise that personal Soul growth is most important and should be my no. 1 focus. If I imagine for a moment in a simplified manner that I, yes ME, as being the cause of what happens to or around me – then if I am angry (or any other emotion), then I am the one that has to look at that emotion. But instead of feeling through this anger I choose to either; punish myself or project it out onto others. I generally do this through blame, as blaming someone or something else other than myself is so much simpler, right? I blame others for how I feel. I make justifications for why I do these things, I also minimalize and deny it so that I can feel better about myself, totally removing all responsibility.

Oh how easy it is to blame others for how I feel and for what is happening to me or not happening. I feel much power from removing all responsibility for my actions from myself. This IS the fictitious world I have created around me, my façade! I live through this façade, oh how powerful and special I am. I can be anyone this way. No one has to know the real me. I can surround myself with people and things that keep the illusion going – a wonderful husband and a lovely life! I can even appear to be more loving, compassionate and caring, heck, I can be queen of my illusionary castle.

At the end of the day though (whenever that day is), I will need to face reality….and why do I have to? Because at that time the pain of my denial will be so great that I will call out louder than I ever have before. I will call and call and call! I will ask for someone, anyone, to come and rid me of the pain, a pain which I have created through my ignorance and arrogance. “Oh please won’t someone save me from my torment!” I call out to God. But the response is silence, but why, as I know God exists, which is more than most people. Again I cry out. Still nothing. Then I realise, even now I have not learnt my lesson. I am still waiting for someone to save me. I am still fooling myself as I have not changed. I still get angry, I still have emotions of grandeur, act out of addictions of purposeful ignorance, arrogance and wilful denial. So the pain continues, festers and grows.

It would have been so much more loving and easy way back when I was younger, but I was not aware of what I know now, that everything that happens to me is to trigger me and show me that I am denying God’s truth and because of that I create pain and darkness. It is time to take responsibility and not blame others for how I feel and what has happened to me. One day when I choose to open up my heart and feel the truth of the situation, I will find that the answer was always there, always trying to assist me – designed to assist me.

In time I will become weary of the pain and know that no one is coming to save me. I will in my last desperate attempt to call for help, I call for God again, and I wonder what will be different about how I call this time?

My reflection on my life will show me familiar things, but not in a way I have ever seen them and in a way that I had never conceived of seeing or knowing. I will now choose to be humble and feel the pain of what I have done through all of my erroneous beliefs. And right there and then I will realise that I have up until now, never opened my heart. I am asking from my Soul. Truth will flood in and for the first time I will know beyond doubt that God is real. I will feel the truth of how I have caused others pain, and the animals, the planet and myself. I will see that everything is about me, but not in a narcissistic way, but rather that my growth in light or darkness is up to me and that there is truth out there that I have been reluctant to notice until now. My openness and desire creates a connection with God through my sincerity to want to know His Divine Truth, and I will be certain that this is the only thing that will set me free. For this is the only gateway to Her Divine Love and the Divine Kingdom.

So – It begins and ends with me! What does this mean? It means that no one is coming to save me! No-one! I need to make the choice to be willing to save myself and not through the Willpower of the mind, but through the emotional Will of my Soul. And in this moment I realise that I have been the most honest I have ever been in my life thus far. So this story is not one of despair, but one of humility, a genuine sincerity to be real.

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Truth is Infinite

Every moment of the day we can choose either misery or happiness, love or hate, light or darkness. This choice either lifts our vibration or lowers it. The higher our vibration the more truth we have access to. Truth is as infinite as the source. Be hungry for truth as we are always able to learn more truth. Holding onto something that is truth for you today may not serve you tomorrow. .

Always strive to be better, to raise your vibration.

“For a man at the top of the giant oak can see more than the one standing near the roots”.

Live in it – as knowledge of truth is nothing until applied.

“You only truly understand something by sharing it with someone else until they understand it”.

Understanding Life

To me life is about finding Peace! It is about being calm and patient enough to connect with self (and to source).

I believe we all have a past that makes up the sum of who we are today. We all react differently to whatever life dishes out. We all interpret what happens to us in our own unique way. As in life also in death – I see now that everyone has a story, even “demons”.  That is why it isn’t about fighting our demons; it isn’t about fighting at all. It is quite the opposite. That being said, we can still stand up for what we believe in – without angst. I feel fighting stems from a lack of understanding. But to do that we must let go of fear and to desire to see things for what they really are.

In my own life I am becoming aware of how my childhood beliefs have carried through into my adult life. I am also becoming aware of the behaviours and unrealistic survival mechanisms I created as a result of these false beliefs. Once prudent for a child yet debilitating to an adult. I held onto these lies as though they were truth. Now when I become aware of one I consciously focus on it with intention to locate the cause. Some beliefs can be changed simply by replacing it with a new one, while others have an emotional core. I find it is through the constructive expression (or experience) of these emotional cores that allows the release, bringing healing of a higher nature. It is quite fascinating!

By choosing understanding, I choose to face the truth about myself. By making this choice I have also discovered that I have avoided many of the good things in life as well, such as joy, fun and abundance in all forms. It is not just about clearing the disharmony, but also allowing the harmonious to be part of my life. I now see more joy and wonderment in everything. I meet people who are happy and at peace with themselves and the rest of the world. I feel a sense of freedom as I breathe in a higher truth.

My journey is my journey and I don’t need to rush it. All I know is that I am moving forward in love through understanding. I have heard it said many times that it is about the journey and everyone’s journey is unique. It is about constant learning. There is no right or wrong, there just is! In this day and age there seems to a sense of urgency, everyone is in a hurry. There is little time for rest and quiet or solitude. I feel it is because we don’t ask enough questions about life. How can we at that pace! Question everything, including this! Does how you are living your life make sense? Does it really? Do your beliefs serve you or keep you imprisoned in a fictitious façade?

So to finish I would like to conclude that patience has many degrees, with many lessons and an even greater number of rewards. Choice is everything: we can choose understanding or ignorance. I personally choose to move forward in understanding. Anyone care to join me?

 

A Brush With Fear

In my early 20’s I lived in a remote area that still had punts or ferries as there were also known, at river crossings as there were no bridges. I had pulled up at the punt crossing in my car and noticed whistling coming from the engine bay and notice the temperature gauge registering it was overheating. I had just missed the punt so there would have been a 15-20min wait and I couldn’t ignore it. Luckily I had a 2 litre bottle of water with me, it was better than nothing. I had heard somewhere to leave the motor running so that the head won’t crack from the change in temperature so I left the car idle as I lifted the bonnet. In those days cars didn’t come with fancy covers to shield you from the spinning fan of the engine, so I had to take extra care with whatever I used to remove the cap as to it not catching and pulling my hand into the blades. As I listened to the high pitched whistling, my heart pounding and my chest ached as I breathed heavily. I was terrified, trembling and alone – with a 9 week old baby asleep in the back seat. I knew I had to do something or the engine would cook. I used a pullover and doubled it up and slowly twisted the radiator cap slowly tilting it away from me and waiting for the imminent spurt to thrust it out of my hands. To my relief there was only a small puff of steam and not the imagined gush of scalding steam and liquid. I proceeded to pour the water into the radiator and quickly replaced the cap as fresh steam streamed out. After closing the bonnet I returned to the driver’s seat, I sat there quiet and shaking. The whistling stopped and I silently sat listening to the humming of the engine at idle. I looked back at my son who was still fast asleep in the baby capsule. A sense of achievement came over me as I sat there patiently waiting for the punt.

Why do we have fear?

We have fear because we have preconceived ideas about the potential outcome because of something that has happened to us before or to someone else we know or because we saw it happen, read about it or were told about it by someone who heard about it, saw it, read it etc. Usually it happened once or in some cases, merely had the potential to happen. Even the fear of the unknown can come from other fears, hence the need to know all of the answers before taking action; some call it minimising risk and is the reason why we do so much planning for future events, sometimes to the “nth” degree.

Phobias are generally not about the item itself, e.g. spiders, snakes etc. If we trace it back through our life emotionally we will find that it was more likely to be the item that we associated with the traumatic event, one usually from our early childhood. Also there is generally no memory of this due to the trauma associated with it. With trauma is an element of terror. Terror is real in an emotional sense. It is emotion frozen in time and when it is accessed through some form of emotional clearing work it will be expressed at the age it was frozen. For example if you were sexually molested as a child, say 3 years of age, in most cases there is no recollection of it due to obvious emotional, physical and psychological trauma. The memory of it has been supressed and when accessed there will be shaking and trembling, possible screaming and crying as the emotion is experienced and released- as if we were 3 again. That was an extreme example, another one would be: you as a child playing with a daddy long legs or other spider or bug and having your mother hysterically shrieking at you in total panic about how it will hurt you. Can you imagine how distressing that would be for the 3 year old?

What is Fear?

Fear is: False Expectations/Emotions (and Beliefs) Appearing Real. When fear is present the truth of the situation at hand is warped and the automatic response is to go into defence mode. I believe the flight or fight mode is bred into us and is not part of our natural state.

I’d like to talk about fears that most people wouldn’t classify as fears. I’m talking about fear of being: wrong, rejected, embarrassed, shamed, let down, unloved, abandoned, alone, punished and failure to name a few. Want some more? There is also being: ignored, forgotten, misunderstood, unheard, silenced, unworthy, undervalued or invisible. I think you get the picture! When we have these types of fear we are generally living in the past.

In Closing

People constantly process the information around them through their own emotional filters. By information I am referring to everything that is seen, heard, touched, tasted and smelt. Every moment people perceive the world around them through these emotional filters. Over the past four years I have observed how fear dictates people lives, the choices they make and how that in turn puts limitations on what they do and don’t do in life.

I can talk about this as it is something I am always looking out for in myself and have grown from as a result. My observations include myself not just others; what I observe in others I turn around and look out for situations where I may have done the same thing or made similar decisions (inaction is also a decision). It is quite humbling and yet powerful at the same time.